Bad day! January 27, 2011

Well here is my day. It is more of a bad week. My baby would be the size of a raspberry today. My arms have been longing to hold my child since August which is when we started trying. At the end of September early October we were told that his brother and sister-in-law were expecting. I was heart broken happy for them yes but sad that we were having to try and they did not and got pregnant. So came October and then November and negative words were exchanged. December came and I was sure it was not the month. Well turned out We were as of January. We were so happy month after month had been worth it. The she left us as quick as she came. i have prayed for it to be this month but I know it will not be. Well that brings me to this week. I have been having a hard time this week. Maybe it is because ovulation is over and I still have a week till the monthly guest will come and visit. Robert has had to change his password on facebook because I use to torture myself looking at their baby updates. Well by accident he left it open and I know just to log out. well the first thing on there which is so hard to miss was the words IT IS A GIRL!!!! My heart went to my stomach and I felt like my stomach was coming through my mouth. I cried. there is no excitement for me or encouragement for me. i feel alone once again. I find myself asking why God when will it be my turn when will I have a little one growing inside of me. When will I feel complete. I know I should look to God to fill me but this one seems like a hole only a baby could fill. When will I be a mother. I must trust God but I feel like the more I give him and the less control I have the further my baby becomes. I wish I could turn my cell phone off and not use the computer and have no contact with his family only because of the pain I am in. It would be wrong of me. They have done no wrong and should be celebrating I just hurt inside. Lord I pray for direction. I pray for a child. A happy healthy child that will far out live me. i pray he or she grow in God and do his works. I pray this month be the month and my suspisions would be wrong. i pray for healing and encouragement. I pray to see you hand in all of this. Amen

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